CW: sexual assault
In my family, relationships and sex are topics that are never up for discussion. They’re not necessarily considered ‘taboo’, but we intuitively know never to talk about them, and it was strongly implied that neither were things that actually happened. I had my first (and only!) boyfriend in highschool, and as much as I wanted to go further than just ~making out~, there was always a part of me thatfelt wrong to do that, and I felt I would be letting someone (???who???) down. I also share a room back home, so masturbation was off the table and was never something I really thought about.
Then I came to uni and more specifically, to college, where people would openly discuss their sex lives, and I constantly felt – and still feel, to an extent – that I was missing out. Here were all these people making out, fooling around and hooking up, and I just had no idea what any of the fuss was about. TMI, but this led to me trying to masturbate and understand why all this was such a big deal – and spoiler alert, I failed. I constantly found myself too embarrassed or scared to go further than just touching myself over my undies, I always wanted to but it just felt so wrong that I couldn’t bring myself to.
I was so excited when I won the Lovehoney giveaway! I thought it would be an opportunity to try something new, which I normally wouldn’t due to financial constraints but also the sheer inability to convince myself to buy a sex toy. I was also struggling to be comfortable with myself due to a traumatic experience earlier this year and thought that owning and using a toy (or two) would help me to reclaim both my body and sexuality.
This has not, by any means, been an easy journey – I’m still not completely comfortable touching myself and often still find it hard to convince myself to do more than the classic pillow-humping, and I felt so embarrassed even just thinking about writing this piece. But, in what feels like a huge win, I have used the toys I bought a few times (and even bought another!), and I’ve found myself slowly getting more and more confident with myself and my body. I think this is the start of really building my confidence and owning my own body, and I couldn’t be happier!
Thanks so much, Women’s Dept! 🙂